By David R, 18 August 2022
I recently heard someone share at a meeting, “if your in recovery and yer unhappy, yer not doin it right”
It got me thinkin of things I used to seek, chase and covet, all in the pursuit of happiness.
Clothes, status, girls, money, the holidays abroad, designer drugs, big nights out and so on.
Sure, they brought some instant gratification, some temporary feel good factor, but it quickly faded and again I’d be back out chasing.
Constantly chasing happiness but could just never seem to quite keep it in my grasp.
What I know now is I thought external things would give me internal happiness.
I used to look at folk who didn’t wear the clobber, didn’t have that half Q of Diego in the back pocket (or doon the boxers) or be out partying every weekend and think, “straight pegs man. Miserable bastards” I wondered how they could possibly be happy being so mundane.
When I was in my 20s, right through to late 30s I thought life would be one big party, forever. A life of taking recreational drugs, chasing girls, designer clothes and false status.
I knew the party was over just before I hit 40. The drugs stopped doing for me what they had done for many years. I had isolated myself but kept this fantasy life, a film reel playing in my head.
When I finally conceded I was fvcked I thought it would be a life of misery. A life of that straight peg mundane, nothing to look forward to that I’d so often scoffed at.
I had this idea that my life would be going to recovery meetings with all these miserable, unhappy bastards.
“I’m David, I’m an addict” in my most miserable voice was all I could hear. Grey skies, smelly rooms for meetings, sad faces was all I could envisage.
That there was self pity.
I started to lift my head at meetings. People smiled, laughed, looked fresh.
Nowadays they mundane things like walking your dog, ironing, cuddling up on the couch watchin telly, doing the dishes.
Thats the stuff that makes me happy. That’s what keeps me humble and grateful.
Of course, life isn’t all strawberries and orgasms, it’s not a Disney film but I’ve got awareness that when life turns up, I can deal with it and in turn, that brings happiness, peace and gratitude.
Recovery is growing up. Its being present, its dealing with life on life’s terms. It’s about getting out the fvckin way and realising you’re not the centre of the universe.
I’m David, and I’m a grateful addict!