“The Hole in the Soul”

By David R, 2nd July 2022

The things I know about myself today are a direct result of embarking on the 12 steps of recovery.
Prior to this I lived a life of self pity, of self seekin, selfishness and co-dependency.
I was never the problem, it was all of you. Aye, even you readin this.

To the outside world, all seemed good wi me. Part of a football casual scene, good job, designer clothes, patter, confidence, family, a mortgage. Sounds good eh, sounds a good life. A life to be grateful for. And whilst I was grateful, it still wasn’t enough. I needed more, like my drug takin, nothin was ever enough. Nothin could be enough to fill this hole in my sole. Deep in the malady!

The designer clothes became less to make way for designer drugs. The goin out to the fitba became less as isolation took over.

I lost the mortgage, lost my family, through my selfishness, self pity. Still wasn’t my fault though. I was so far removed from reality it was insane.

In my head, this TV drama I played out in my daft head, I was a jack the lad, fitba casual wi the world, and all of you at my feet. In reality, I was sittin in a dark room, curtain twitchin, nose twitchin, hopeless case.

It was still all your fault.

My most common answer when i was asked why I had done something, when I had fucked up was “ah don’t know”. It used to frustrate everyone, myself included.

The truth is, I didn’t know. I genuinely didn’t know.

Today, with the gift of the 12 steps I know, and more importantly, accept the character defects I have. I have awareness when these defects come into play these days and can quickly correct this.

That hole in the soul? Today’s thats filled, and stays filled as long as I work my 12 steps. I can notice when I’m tryin to fill that hole with all the wrong things (ooooh matron) and rectify that before I’m back at step 1.

I have an illness, an illness of addiction. It was easy to admit I had an addiction. Accepting it was far, far harder. Took me a while to get to that part. Relapse, courage, willingness and action got me there though.

Ridding the things that I had previously used to fill that void, casual life, designer clothes, constant people pleasing, Co dependent relationships, self seekin, approval from others, I had to let them go.

I had to grieve for them. I remember 4 days after my last relapse, all the crew down in London for the Scotland v England game and me sat at home and the penny dropped.

I went upstairs and cried, that crying ye do that takes yer breath away. It was a release, letting go, grieving.

Acceptance. And knowledge that it was gonna be ok. More than ok.

Recovery isn’t living the mundane life. Recovery is just life in its most beautiful form. Its feelin and showin gratitude. Its bein of use to others without lookin for anything back.

Today I have a beautiful life. Not perfect and problems do turn up. I don’t have bad days, I have wee tricky moments in days but I can cope wi that.

All I do is keep it simple.

Keep on keepin on

Business As Usual.

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